I Will Watch & Pray

I heard Lou Engle say once that “sometimes God comes searching for us in songs.” So true. You know those moments where you’re chillen with Jesus, listening to a song and your heart just gets rocked? It’s like something new gets sealed on your heart, a revelation or reality that seems to comes outta no where.

I had that moment with this one specific song last summer that I’ve been thinking about lately. It’s called “All My Devotion” off of Kristene Mueller’s CD “Those Who Dream” (which I HIGHLY recommend to anyone who doesn’t have it yet, serious good times with Jesus). The whole song in general for me seems to sum up the visions and heart cries of my life. But there’s this one specific line that really brought about one of those “sealing” moments in my heart. The verses are:

“And I know you don’t come as easy as some, but I will watch and pray, I will watch and pray…”

Before I came across this song, I was kinda going through a time where all these accusations and doubts were being thrown my way about the validity of the lifestyle I’ve given myself to in following the Lord and specifically just what I’ve given myself to regarding prayer and all that jazz. I love how the Lord uses songs to bring breakthrough and clear up our vision though! When the song came to this part it was like something shifted inside me. I feel like those words gave me language for a confession of commitment to the Lord. That even though I could run to things that offer some sort of instant gratification, I will still stand with You Jesus. No matter how different my life may look compared to the status quo, or how different Your ways are compared to the ways of this world, it doesn’t matter. I’m still in this with You and I’ll stay the course. I will watch and pray.

One of the girls from youth group had this awesome picture she shared at bible study a while back that totally relates to this whole reality too.  She explained how we’re like these little seeds that are growing to become trees. As we grow we have a choice of where we want to drink our water from; we can either drink from the world or from Jesus. She went on to say that if we drink from the waters this world has to offer it’s because they seem easier to get. But “if you wait and thirst for Jesus you will never thirst again and begin to branch out and spread the love of Jesus.” I love that. It’s the same thing.

So if you’ve been feelin’ some of the stuff that I was feelin’ just be encouraged friends. It’s not in vain and He’s more than worth it. Let this be your confession of love too as you run the race and follow the Lamb

And head over to iTunes to download this awesome CD

The Dignity of Beholding and Blessing

I was just in the middle of writing a blog entry about the dignity of intercession but as I’m sitting here I realized that before I talk about intercession in the house of prayer, I want to talk about the preeminent purpose of the house of prayer; to behold and bless the Lord.

As I sit in the prayer room right now as the worship team leads in praise and people are doing their thing with the Lord, I’m realizing that the main reason they are here is for one purpose. To gaze. To gaze and bless the Lord simply because He’s worthy. The worth of Jesus should be enough reason to have a 24/7 house of prayer.  It is enough to simply offer unceasing praise, adoration and glory to His name.

The Lord has just really been driving this reality into me this past year. It’s like the lightbulb went on inside of me and I’m finally starting to realize the main point of the house of prayer. It goes beyond interceding and petitioning the Lord for justice. That’s a super important function of the house of prayer and like I was saying, I have a blog to follow this one about intercession, but I’m learning that that’s not the end all of the house of prayer. What the Lord keeps bringing to my attention to show me this is the tabernacle of David and the setting up of the Levites to bless the Lord as their occupation and function in the kingdom.

Sometimes I like to think about what was going on in David’s heart when the 24/7 worship and praise he set up in the tabernacle was first initiated. When he did that, it wasn’t just to change the spiritual atmosphere of Jerusalem. It wasn’t even just because it released grace to have victory in battles. I believe that David beheld the Lord in the beauty of holiness. I believe David beheld the beauty and glory of the Lord in such a way that it caused his heart’s response to be, “HE’S WORTHY TO BE WORSHIPPED FOREVER!” When we behold the Lord rightly, when our hearts get connected to how worthy He is, then 24/7 praise and adoration to Him makes perfect sense, simply because He’s worthy.

…and Aaron was set apart, he and his sons forever, that he should sanctify the most holy things, to burn incense before the Lord, to minister to Him, and to give blessing in His name.” (1 Chronicles 23:13)

Justin Rizzo explains it this way,

“As the return of Jesus draws near, we can now say with confidence that its larger purpose is unto Jesus being adored on earth as He is in heaven – unceasingly and universally by everyone. The primary reason for the worship and prayer movement is that God has promised a day when His Son will be fully vindicated and that He would receive the praise and adoration of all men.

The goal of night and day prayer or worship meetings is not to organize people to do an activity without stopping, nor should its goal be primarily because there is so much need that we must petition Him unceasingly in hopes of revival. The hope of revival and transformation is good and we should desire it – but that hope will never sustain our hearts in prayer long term. When the breakthrough is delayed and it doesn’t come in the way we think it should have, our hearts will grow sick and prayer will eventually fizzle out leaving us with a cynicism in prayer. Before there were lost souls that needed to be saved and prior to any humanitarian need, the confession of those who beheld Him was that His beauty warranted their undivided attention and incessant adoration. Today as we give ourselves to prayer, this confession must be our primary reason and ultimate motivation.”

I’m just barely scratching the surface on all this so I’ll probably have more thoughts to share down the road but I’m just loving this reality. It’s really clicking inside of me and I just feel more confidence the place of prayer and being someone who ministers before the Lord.

You are worthy of night and day worship. You are worthy of unceasing adoration. You are worthy of, so deserving of all our singing. Let a song be heard throughout the nations, telling of Your worth, telling of Your greatness. You are worhty of, so deserving of the nations singing, “Glory to the Righteous One.” – Clay Edwards

Ode to Fire in the Night

One year ago today I woke up with butterflies in my stomach like crazy. The Lord had moved and shifted mountains to get me to Kansas City without even breaking a sweat and what I was about to begin just felt so surreal to me. As I stood in line for registration I was actually so nervous I was holding back tears. But bless Tiffany Duong’s beautiful heart, she was standing behind me and totally started up a conversation with me which helped so much. I had no idea I would feel so anxious, I guess the unknown had really gotten to  me. I could feel the excitement intertwined within it all though. I knew the Lord had that silly little grin He gets on His face when He’s excited about something and as nervous as I was, I was ready to jump

As I think back on those three months, I am just beyond grateful to the Lord. I was reading through my journal from FITN the other day and was just praising the Lord for the work He did in my heart. A huge thing for me during my time there was going through inner healing. It was really rough at times, really lol. Those of you who saw me a bunch can probably attest to that. But at the same time it was easy and light and a weird kingdom sort of way. I had to deal with a lot of the pain and baggage I’d been carrying for the past 18 years but what made it light was that I knew the Lord was with me. The pain, longings, emotions, they were all real but by the end of the internship I saw how His tenderness, patience, and kindness walked me through it all. It’s crazy because as I’m reading my journal the other day, I realized that a lot of my dialogue with the Lord was wrestling through those things. I didn’t have too many flowers and blue skies journal entries lol. Had me some serious David “come and answer me Lord, I’m wasting away, you need to do something or I’ll perish” psalms going on there. But they truly are just as glorious. What I realized though in looking all that over, is that it is REALLY easy for the Lord to bring restoration to our hearts! It totally was not my own strength at all. Or my own ability to ya know, “do the right thing to get healed.” Trust me on that one. I felt incredibly weak and broken. But what I kept doing was just giving the Lord everything that was going on within my heart. I gave Him access. That’s been the biggest key and piece of wisdom the Holy Spirit used to walk me through everything. I’d never done that until FITN. I remember so many nights of pacing, saying the same scriptures over my self, giving Him the same pain again and again, not feeling the results right away, but choosing to believe  with what little strength I had that His word and His love is changing me. And ya know what? IT WORKED! It was so crazy. About a couple weeks after I got home, all the sudden I realized that my heart had been healed! I remember how the pain felt within me and it actually felt different within my heart post-FITN. Totally like the lady who got healed with the issue of blood and how it says that “she felt in her body that she had been healed.” I’m saying all this to encourage anyone who’s reading this really. I’m telling you, just give the Lord access, let Him in where you never have before. It may not feel so good in the process but His strength is there for you, it’s my testimony. You WILL come out restored, given double what was taken from you. He is soooooooo kind and patient. He will love you through whatever you need Him to, whatever you need Him to touch. He’ll restore your heart to walk in freedom in ways you never thought you could. Just wait and see

Okay, so that was kind of a long tangent but a huge part of my Fire in the Night experience nonetheless. Anyways, another huge gift to me from FITN was the brothers and sisters I had the honor of running with. Going into the internship I really wasn’t even thinking about the possibility of forming life long relationships with people. I wasn’t like, against it or anything, it really just didn’t even occur to me lol. But the Lord totally surprised me and has given me relationships that my heart will treasure for eternity. And what’s awesome, kind of like what I said in my post from a couple days ago, even if I don’t get to talk to some of them for a while, when I see them or talk on the phone that connect is still there…cause the connect is the Lord . That is just still so beautiful to me. To all my fellow Summer 2009 FITN-ers, I love and miss you guys tons. Loved running with you in the night and would do it all over again in a second. I am so incredibly grateful for every time one of you guys encouraged me, wrote me a note in the PR, told me to stop whining in the bathroom at 2 AM cause my Father’s a King and even just every little hug and smile. I pray the Lord releases fresh grace upon all of you guys wherever you find yourself with Him on this adventure He’s planned for you. Remember His love, remember His faithfulness, and remember He’s coming and wants YOU to partner with the desires of His heart to bring the Father home . May the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirits!

Much love to you all!

And all I’m sayin is…I would do NightWatch again in a heart beat. Like I’ve talked about before but there is just something extra about watching with the Lord in the night. It’s just different, in a way you have to experience your self I think. Something about blessing the Lord at 3 in the morning just undoes my heart. Loved getting to behold and bless the Lord in the night .

And so another journey for me begins soon. In July as well haha apparently there’s some thing with me and the Lord and July. The silly little grin is back and it’s time to jump again. Ellensburg here I come

#2. My weak yet, sincere love, you will never despise

A couple weeks ago, the lovely Pam Spuler asked me a particular question about my time at IHOP and being in the prayer room every night. She asked, “Did you ever not want to pray?” And I said, “Of course, you have you’re nights for sure.” And then when she asked me what I did in those times I gave a reaaaally dumb answer now that I look back on it. All I said was, “I paced.” Afterwards when I was thinking about that I just realized how lame of an answer that was, I have no idea why I only said that. #1 – that wasn’t the only reason I paced for sure, and #2 – that wasn’t what I mainly did when I didn’t want to pray. It’s those moments that I discovered the value and power of our weak “yes” to the Lord and it has changed the way I interact with Him in a major way. So Pammy, this is my real answer to your question my dear

I’m not gonna lie, I struggled a lot with feeling just straight up apathetic during the first month and a half or so that I was there. It was like senioritis bled into my time with the Lord or something. I would have nights where I just didn’t feel like being in the prayer room, had no desire to read the Bible, and looked forward to talking to people in the bathroom rather than sitting before Jesus. Throw in some comparing myself to others and it’s not exactly good times. Yeah. Now this wasn’t every night, I had awesome times with Jesus throughout the whole apathy stuff but that’s just what I was mainly feeling for a lot of the time that I was in the prayer room. I may have looked like I was doing alright, and it’s not that I wasn’t, but deep down I just encountered my barrenness hardcore. So needless to say it was kinda rough at times and it was weird because that room was exactly where I wanted to be but the desire to pray and read the Word and all was just not happening for me.

There were two major moments that happened to me in relation to all this. The first was courtesy of the lovely Wendy Miller during a group burn team one night. See, the whole time I was feeling all apathetic and all, I was feeling the whole, “I want to want to read the Bible, and I want to want to pray more, etc” but it just wasn’t really happening yet. And I did the worst thing you could do when all that’s going on, compared myself to others around me. So then I just felt bad and frustrated with myself and the lies of the enemy were all over the place it was ridiculous. But one night before we were about to head into the prayer room, Wendy spoke and just broke something off of me. I don’t even specifically remember what it was exactly she was talking about but one phrase that sticks out is, “You’re not doing the prayer room wrong!”She was just talking about how it doesn’t matter what we feel like at the end of the night, if we’ve loved Jesus with our weak yes, then successful night! It counted before the Lord. And it just really hit me to forget about yesterday and even whatever I was feeling the weeks before and go into that room and sit before Him, believing that it’s not in vain. I remember going into the prayer room that night and it was just different for me. Her words did something in my spirit and it just felt like the apathy stuff was broken off.

But. Even though there was a little bit of breakthrough I was still having a bit of a hard time. Then there was this one night…

I remember I have never experienced the lies of the enemy just swarming around me like I did that night. Condemnation was all over me as I was frustrated with myself not reading the Bible, thinking I’m missing out on stuff and everyone else is going deep with the Lord but me and yada, yada, yada. And the funny thing is, I knew it was the enemy. I knew they were lies, but I just kept listening. I was straight up miserable that night. I had awesome friends fighting for me and ministering to me throughout different times in the night but when it came down to just me, it was not good my friends. I just sat there and let the enemy slime me with lies. I would cry to the Lord, telling Him that I want to have a greater love for His word and the place of prayer but instead of waiting to hear His response to my cry, I just listened to the lies of the enemy. I was longing for the Lord but just had junk hovering all around me. By the last set, the lovely Hellen Lee was singing a song that I think is by Jason Upton, it’s called Freedom Reigns. I was sitting in my chair, annoyed at myself as ever, and she starts to sing the chorus “Freedom reigns in this place, showers of mercy and grace, falling on every face, there is freedom…” And it was like something in me or around me or whatever just went, “Freedom…that’s stupid, I don’t feel freedom, I don’t have freedom, I’m not singing this.” It was just gross and not of the Lord. And by the mercy of the Lord I just like, came to my senses and said to myself, “Ya know what? This is ridiculous, that’s not God and I’m gonna sit hear and sing this song and mean it because this is the truth right now.” So I sat in that grey chair, raised my hands and started singing. And then the tears came. As I just sang the song the Lord started to wash me in His love and affirmation over me. I looooove Luke Wood’s song where he says, “Just one word from you, could shatter a thousand lies.” I literally experienced that! As soon as He started to speak to me, all that junk was gone in an instant. It was amazing. And this is where it goes back to the whole seeing the value of our weak yes.

During this whole time, the Lord kept asking me, “Brittany, do you love Me?” He just kept saying it over and over. I’d suddenly found myself in the position of good ‘ol Peter. I just kept crying and finally said something like, “Lord, you know that I love you. I do love You. You know that. I love You so much.” Just like with Peter, the Lord wasn’t looking to get an answer for Himself when He asked me that question. He was completely confident in my love for Him. He didn’t need to know that I loved Him, He wanted me to know that I loved Him. He wanted me to see that my love was still genuine and true. He was reassuring me that the reach in my heart to love Him more in the midst of barrenness was enough for Him, that it counted before Him. He just kept asking me that and each time I said, “You know that I love You” something in my was changing and it was restoring my heart.

It was that moment that really started to change the way I viewed things whenever I didn’t feel like doing something or didn’t feel His presence one bit. He’s just been showing me the glory of those moments when we don’t feel like doing something and yet our heart still reaches. Something so beautiful goes on in our spirit when we don’t feel like doing something and yet we just say, “I love you Jesus.” I have this little theory that it’s actually those moments, those dry times, when we barely have the strength or desire to do anything and yet we still set Him before us, that the most goes on in our hearts. Because think about it, you’re not feeling Him, you can’t see Him, and we can’t hear Him audible all the time, in fact that’s really rare in our walk with God. And yet you still say, “I love You.” Do you have any idea what a statement that is to Heaven? How much that moves the heart of God? I can just see the angels peering down and going, “I don’t get it!! She doesn’t see Him, feel Him, and is crying out to love Him more! What is this mystery?!” I think the Lord takes those weak steps towards Him and runs like crazy 10 x’s closer. That just who He is.

I remember by the end of the track, whenever I didn’t feel like reading the Word or something or praying or whatever, I just did it anyway because I knew it was still doing something in me. I kept saying to myself, “This is not in vain. It truly is unto something. As I draw near to You, whether I feel you’re nearness or not, you are drawing near to me and I really am being transformed from glory to glory.” So now if I find myself feeling something like that, I have this like, gladness in my heart to be able to say, “Jesus I still love You.” I know that something is going on in my heart that is glorious. I almost wish I could see some behind the scenes footage of my spirit in those times. I think we’re gonna be so surprised when the Lord revisits those moments with us and we see what was really going on and all that He was doing with our weak little “yes” to Him.

[Just a sidenote: When I'm saying that I just did stuff anyway even if I didn't want to or didn't feel anything, what I'm noooot saying is that I did it because I felt like I had to gain the Lord's favor. I didn't just do it anyway because I felt like He wouldn't be pleased if I don't do what I set apart in my schedule to do for this next hour. If you feel like you're just doing stuff because you feel like if you don't read your bible right now the Lord won't be pleased with you then you need to close your bible, open your hands and receive His love freely . What hit me is that I already had His love and all that we do must be inspired from that truth. We don't do things with or for the Lord to try and gain His affections, we do it because we already have them . Just wanted to make that clear. ]

Learning this has brought so much freedom to my heart when I sit before the Lord now. It’s like I’m learning to realize that, as MikeyB says, I love God and He loves me, therefore I’m successful. That’s it. No matter what I’m feeling, what my circumstances are or whatever, my identity and success at the end of the day comes from loving God and believing that I’m loved by Him, that my weak little heart is more than enough.

In the words of Ashley Prior: “My weak yet, sincere love, You will never despise…”

#1. There’s Only One Found Worthy

When I wrote my first post from one of the first few days that I started Fire in the Night, I said that I thought doing the NightWatch would really help reveal to me how worthy Jesus is. Even though that’s going to be an eternal reality that’s never going to get old, I can definately say that being a part of the NightWatch at IHOP has played a foundational role in just making that truth so real to me.

I had this one spot where I liked to pace. It’s all the way in the back of the prayer room, next to the wall with the map on it. It was a little darker and secluded because it led to the emergency exit doors. One of the reasons I loved it so much was because it was the only place in the prayer room where you could see outside a little bit. The doors had shades that went down about half way so you could still see the darkness of the night. It’s back there where I’d have these moments where I’d realize exactly what we were doing. It’s 3 in the morning, most people are sleeping, and yet there’s a group of about 150-200 people that are beholding and blessing the Lord in the middle of the night. Man, just thinking about it again undoes something in my heart. I remember sometimes I would stop pacing and lean against the wall, face the entire prayer room and just look around. It would just hit me, “We are all here for You, for One Man. There’s no one else that the world adores night and day, there really is no one worthy of it besides You Jesus. Who are You?” It just blows my mind. I did this a couple times in the track and when I did it was like the worth of Jesus was being revealed to me more and more.

I’ll always treasure those times and now I’m convinced in my heart that He truly is worthy to be praised night and day. I was able to catch a small glimmer of why those four living creatures in Revelation 4 cry out and worship Him night and day, forever and ever. They never cease not just because they’re not allowed to or anything like that. It’s just…impossible. They’re not able to cease. They couldn’t if they tried.

It’s even begun to make sense to me why David was so consumed to build the house of the Lord and why he did what he did with the tabernacle. I believe that he caught a climpse of what was going on around the throne. His heart connected with a plan in the Father’s heart, that as it is in heaven so it would be on earth. David saw the ministry that was going on in the tabernacle as a necessity. It was actually peoples job to sing to the Lord night and day, he paid them to do it, he was adamant about this. Shoot, he even did it himself! God really is going to restore this to the earth and IHOP is only one expression of how the Lord is going to build His house of prayer and establish night and day worship and prayer. Being at IHOP has just opened my eyes to the reality that God really is doing something. It’s not just Kansas City’s thing either. It’s Holy Spirit’s thing

I think of this passage in Malachi 1:11

“For from the rising of the sun, even to its going down, My name shall be great among the Gentiles; In every place incense shall be offered to My name, and a pure offering. For My name shall be great among the nations,” says the Lord of Hosts

He’s doin a new thing for sure and I can’t wait to see how it gets orchestrated all across the world. He’s just so worthy of it. Here’s to the day the Spirit and the bride cry, “Come!”

Maranatha.