Update. Sorta.

I was looking through the notes in my phone recently and found this list of random things that I learned (or re-learned in some cases) along the road trip that I wanted to share just for fun

• Madison is the capital of Wisconsin
• Pierre is the capital of South Dakota
• You have to be 21 in order to book a room at a hotel.
• The name “Cooper” means one who makes barrels.
• This country is mostly open land and fields.
• The Northern Midwest has a lot of corn. And hay.
• There are so many people in this country.

Well, I’ve officially been here for a month as of yesterday. Crazy. It’s been good times. The Lord’s really doing a lot of stuff in my heart, I think mostly stuff that I’m not even aware of too. It’s been really sweet just getting more familiar with Ellensburg. It is such a pleasant town. As Jenna and I were running around downtown to do some errands I was telling her how I love how there are so many stores that are local businesses and only found in Ellensburg. I love seeing the little things that make this place unique.

One thing that is definitely a big deal in Ellensburg is this huge county fair they have the first week of September. I’ll actually be missing it which is a slight bummer cause everyone’s been saying how great it is. Buuuut, part of the fair is that they have people enter art, food, livestock and whatnot and you get money just for entering stuff in! Doesn’t cost anything to put something in the fair and no matter what you will get a check of some quantity at the end. Sometimes you might only get a couple bucks for something but that’s better than nothing in my book! So I totally entered some of my art in and a couple shirts. This is such an answer to prayer (and a quick one I might add) as well because I’m really wanting to be able to use my art more as an outlet to touch people and also to be able to support myself some. Even if it’s just a couple bucks that I get from it, who knows what could happen as a result . Prayers for my art stuff are greatly appreciated, open doors and financial-ness, all that jazz.

On another side note, I feel like one facet of me being here has something to do with a house of prayer in Ellensburg. Don’t really have any more details than that. That could really look like anything. It could be just releasing the vision, actually being a part of it getting started or who knows what. I’m not trying to figure stuff out so I’ll just keep following Mr. Lamb wherever He goes .

Oh and by the way, the church that I’m a part of here now, Wellspring Christian Fellowship, is awesome. They are just so sensitive to the Spirit and the Lord’s leading it’s beautiful. A lot of freedom and peace, totally feels like a family as well. Just precious, you guys back in the NJ would really love it.

One more thing, I’m going to Kansas City in less than two weeks! One of my roommates from FITN is getting married and then I’ll just be chilling there for a couple days. I’ll be switching to NightWatch as well 8) . Like always this is incredibly timely of the Lord. I keep thinking of this verse in Proverbs that says, “even the events that seem accidental are really ordered by Him.” IHOP for me is definitely my hive where I get rest and refreshed and it’s funny how I can feel when it’s time to get back there so thank ya Lord. I’m really excited about what He has in store during that time

Okay, TTFN.

Ode to Fire in the Night

One year ago today I woke up with butterflies in my stomach like crazy. The Lord had moved and shifted mountains to get me to Kansas City without even breaking a sweat and what I was about to begin just felt so surreal to me. As I stood in line for registration I was actually so nervous I was holding back tears. But bless Tiffany Duong’s beautiful heart, she was standing behind me and totally started up a conversation with me which helped so much. I had no idea I would feel so anxious, I guess the unknown had really gotten to  me. I could feel the excitement intertwined within it all though. I knew the Lord had that silly little grin He gets on His face when He’s excited about something and as nervous as I was, I was ready to jump

As I think back on those three months, I am just beyond grateful to the Lord. I was reading through my journal from FITN the other day and was just praising the Lord for the work He did in my heart. A huge thing for me during my time there was going through inner healing. It was really rough at times, really lol. Those of you who saw me a bunch can probably attest to that. But at the same time it was easy and light and a weird kingdom sort of way. I had to deal with a lot of the pain and baggage I’d been carrying for the past 18 years but what made it light was that I knew the Lord was with me. The pain, longings, emotions, they were all real but by the end of the internship I saw how His tenderness, patience, and kindness walked me through it all. It’s crazy because as I’m reading my journal the other day, I realized that a lot of my dialogue with the Lord was wrestling through those things. I didn’t have too many flowers and blue skies journal entries lol. Had me some serious David “come and answer me Lord, I’m wasting away, you need to do something or I’ll perish” psalms going on there. But they truly are just as glorious. What I realized though in looking all that over, is that it is REALLY easy for the Lord to bring restoration to our hearts! It totally was not my own strength at all. Or my own ability to ya know, “do the right thing to get healed.” Trust me on that one. I felt incredibly weak and broken. But what I kept doing was just giving the Lord everything that was going on within my heart. I gave Him access. That’s been the biggest key and piece of wisdom the Holy Spirit used to walk me through everything. I’d never done that until FITN. I remember so many nights of pacing, saying the same scriptures over my self, giving Him the same pain again and again, not feeling the results right away, but choosing to believe  with what little strength I had that His word and His love is changing me. And ya know what? IT WORKED! It was so crazy. About a couple weeks after I got home, all the sudden I realized that my heart had been healed! I remember how the pain felt within me and it actually felt different within my heart post-FITN. Totally like the lady who got healed with the issue of blood and how it says that “she felt in her body that she had been healed.” I’m saying all this to encourage anyone who’s reading this really. I’m telling you, just give the Lord access, let Him in where you never have before. It may not feel so good in the process but His strength is there for you, it’s my testimony. You WILL come out restored, given double what was taken from you. He is soooooooo kind and patient. He will love you through whatever you need Him to, whatever you need Him to touch. He’ll restore your heart to walk in freedom in ways you never thought you could. Just wait and see

Okay, so that was kind of a long tangent but a huge part of my Fire in the Night experience nonetheless. Anyways, another huge gift to me from FITN was the brothers and sisters I had the honor of running with. Going into the internship I really wasn’t even thinking about the possibility of forming life long relationships with people. I wasn’t like, against it or anything, it really just didn’t even occur to me lol. But the Lord totally surprised me and has given me relationships that my heart will treasure for eternity. And what’s awesome, kind of like what I said in my post from a couple days ago, even if I don’t get to talk to some of them for a while, when I see them or talk on the phone that connect is still there…cause the connect is the Lord . That is just still so beautiful to me. To all my fellow Summer 2009 FITN-ers, I love and miss you guys tons. Loved running with you in the night and would do it all over again in a second. I am so incredibly grateful for every time one of you guys encouraged me, wrote me a note in the PR, told me to stop whining in the bathroom at 2 AM cause my Father’s a King and even just every little hug and smile. I pray the Lord releases fresh grace upon all of you guys wherever you find yourself with Him on this adventure He’s planned for you. Remember His love, remember His faithfulness, and remember He’s coming and wants YOU to partner with the desires of His heart to bring the Father home . May the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirits!

Much love to you all!

And all I’m sayin is…I would do NightWatch again in a heart beat. Like I’ve talked about before but there is just something extra about watching with the Lord in the night. It’s just different, in a way you have to experience your self I think. Something about blessing the Lord at 3 in the morning just undoes my heart. Loved getting to behold and bless the Lord in the night .

And so another journey for me begins soon. In July as well haha apparently there’s some thing with me and the Lord and July. The silly little grin is back and it’s time to jump again. Ellensburg here I come

#2. My weak yet, sincere love, you will never despise

A couple weeks ago, the lovely Pam Spuler asked me a particular question about my time at IHOP and being in the prayer room every night. She asked, “Did you ever not want to pray?” And I said, “Of course, you have you’re nights for sure.” And then when she asked me what I did in those times I gave a reaaaally dumb answer now that I look back on it. All I said was, “I paced.” Afterwards when I was thinking about that I just realized how lame of an answer that was, I have no idea why I only said that. #1 – that wasn’t the only reason I paced for sure, and #2 – that wasn’t what I mainly did when I didn’t want to pray. It’s those moments that I discovered the value and power of our weak “yes” to the Lord and it has changed the way I interact with Him in a major way. So Pammy, this is my real answer to your question my dear

I’m not gonna lie, I struggled a lot with feeling just straight up apathetic during the first month and a half or so that I was there. It was like senioritis bled into my time with the Lord or something. I would have nights where I just didn’t feel like being in the prayer room, had no desire to read the Bible, and looked forward to talking to people in the bathroom rather than sitting before Jesus. Throw in some comparing myself to others and it’s not exactly good times. Yeah. Now this wasn’t every night, I had awesome times with Jesus throughout the whole apathy stuff but that’s just what I was mainly feeling for a lot of the time that I was in the prayer room. I may have looked like I was doing alright, and it’s not that I wasn’t, but deep down I just encountered my barrenness hardcore. So needless to say it was kinda rough at times and it was weird because that room was exactly where I wanted to be but the desire to pray and read the Word and all was just not happening for me.

There were two major moments that happened to me in relation to all this. The first was courtesy of the lovely Wendy Miller during a group burn team one night. See, the whole time I was feeling all apathetic and all, I was feeling the whole, “I want to want to read the Bible, and I want to want to pray more, etc” but it just wasn’t really happening yet. And I did the worst thing you could do when all that’s going on, compared myself to others around me. So then I just felt bad and frustrated with myself and the lies of the enemy were all over the place it was ridiculous. But one night before we were about to head into the prayer room, Wendy spoke and just broke something off of me. I don’t even specifically remember what it was exactly she was talking about but one phrase that sticks out is, “You’re not doing the prayer room wrong!”She was just talking about how it doesn’t matter what we feel like at the end of the night, if we’ve loved Jesus with our weak yes, then successful night! It counted before the Lord. And it just really hit me to forget about yesterday and even whatever I was feeling the weeks before and go into that room and sit before Him, believing that it’s not in vain. I remember going into the prayer room that night and it was just different for me. Her words did something in my spirit and it just felt like the apathy stuff was broken off.

But. Even though there was a little bit of breakthrough I was still having a bit of a hard time. Then there was this one night…

I remember I have never experienced the lies of the enemy just swarming around me like I did that night. Condemnation was all over me as I was frustrated with myself not reading the Bible, thinking I’m missing out on stuff and everyone else is going deep with the Lord but me and yada, yada, yada. And the funny thing is, I knew it was the enemy. I knew they were lies, but I just kept listening. I was straight up miserable that night. I had awesome friends fighting for me and ministering to me throughout different times in the night but when it came down to just me, it was not good my friends. I just sat there and let the enemy slime me with lies. I would cry to the Lord, telling Him that I want to have a greater love for His word and the place of prayer but instead of waiting to hear His response to my cry, I just listened to the lies of the enemy. I was longing for the Lord but just had junk hovering all around me. By the last set, the lovely Hellen Lee was singing a song that I think is by Jason Upton, it’s called Freedom Reigns. I was sitting in my chair, annoyed at myself as ever, and she starts to sing the chorus “Freedom reigns in this place, showers of mercy and grace, falling on every face, there is freedom…” And it was like something in me or around me or whatever just went, “Freedom…that’s stupid, I don’t feel freedom, I don’t have freedom, I’m not singing this.” It was just gross and not of the Lord. And by the mercy of the Lord I just like, came to my senses and said to myself, “Ya know what? This is ridiculous, that’s not God and I’m gonna sit hear and sing this song and mean it because this is the truth right now.” So I sat in that grey chair, raised my hands and started singing. And then the tears came. As I just sang the song the Lord started to wash me in His love and affirmation over me. I looooove Luke Wood’s song where he says, “Just one word from you, could shatter a thousand lies.” I literally experienced that! As soon as He started to speak to me, all that junk was gone in an instant. It was amazing. And this is where it goes back to the whole seeing the value of our weak yes.

During this whole time, the Lord kept asking me, “Brittany, do you love Me?” He just kept saying it over and over. I’d suddenly found myself in the position of good ‘ol Peter. I just kept crying and finally said something like, “Lord, you know that I love you. I do love You. You know that. I love You so much.” Just like with Peter, the Lord wasn’t looking to get an answer for Himself when He asked me that question. He was completely confident in my love for Him. He didn’t need to know that I loved Him, He wanted me to know that I loved Him. He wanted me to see that my love was still genuine and true. He was reassuring me that the reach in my heart to love Him more in the midst of barrenness was enough for Him, that it counted before Him. He just kept asking me that and each time I said, “You know that I love You” something in my was changing and it was restoring my heart.

It was that moment that really started to change the way I viewed things whenever I didn’t feel like doing something or didn’t feel His presence one bit. He’s just been showing me the glory of those moments when we don’t feel like doing something and yet our heart still reaches. Something so beautiful goes on in our spirit when we don’t feel like doing something and yet we just say, “I love you Jesus.” I have this little theory that it’s actually those moments, those dry times, when we barely have the strength or desire to do anything and yet we still set Him before us, that the most goes on in our hearts. Because think about it, you’re not feeling Him, you can’t see Him, and we can’t hear Him audible all the time, in fact that’s really rare in our walk with God. And yet you still say, “I love You.” Do you have any idea what a statement that is to Heaven? How much that moves the heart of God? I can just see the angels peering down and going, “I don’t get it!! She doesn’t see Him, feel Him, and is crying out to love Him more! What is this mystery?!” I think the Lord takes those weak steps towards Him and runs like crazy 10 x’s closer. That just who He is.

I remember by the end of the track, whenever I didn’t feel like reading the Word or something or praying or whatever, I just did it anyway because I knew it was still doing something in me. I kept saying to myself, “This is not in vain. It truly is unto something. As I draw near to You, whether I feel you’re nearness or not, you are drawing near to me and I really am being transformed from glory to glory.” So now if I find myself feeling something like that, I have this like, gladness in my heart to be able to say, “Jesus I still love You.” I know that something is going on in my heart that is glorious. I almost wish I could see some behind the scenes footage of my spirit in those times. I think we’re gonna be so surprised when the Lord revisits those moments with us and we see what was really going on and all that He was doing with our weak little “yes” to Him.

[Just a sidenote: When I'm saying that I just did stuff anyway even if I didn't want to or didn't feel anything, what I'm noooot saying is that I did it because I felt like I had to gain the Lord's favor. I didn't just do it anyway because I felt like He wouldn't be pleased if I don't do what I set apart in my schedule to do for this next hour. If you feel like you're just doing stuff because you feel like if you don't read your bible right now the Lord won't be pleased with you then you need to close your bible, open your hands and receive His love freely . What hit me is that I already had His love and all that we do must be inspired from that truth. We don't do things with or for the Lord to try and gain His affections, we do it because we already have them . Just wanted to make that clear. ]

Learning this has brought so much freedom to my heart when I sit before the Lord now. It’s like I’m learning to realize that, as MikeyB says, I love God and He loves me, therefore I’m successful. That’s it. No matter what I’m feeling, what my circumstances are or whatever, my identity and success at the end of the day comes from loving God and believing that I’m loved by Him, that my weak little heart is more than enough.

In the words of Ashley Prior: “My weak yet, sincere love, You will never despise…”

Epic fail Brittany, epic fail…

… yeaaaah I didnt exaaactly update by blog while I was at IHOP And there’s no way I could put into words all that’s happened in my heart these last 3 months. I’ll attempt to but I assure you, it’s almost imposiblee my amigo.

I’ll list a couple of main things that I think of when I look back at these 3 months. I’m gonna try and write a post for each one. Try. .

#1. Jesus is the only One found worthy to be adored night and day, 24/7, for all of eternity. It’s been going on in the throne room forever and now it’s time to bring it to the earth.

#2. The value of our weak “yes” and glance to the Lord. This is one of the foundation things that’s impacted my heart while I was there, a reality that’s changed the way I interact with God, so beautiful.

#3. The dignity of intercession. It’s glorious beyond words and I’ve only just, just, juuuuuust begun to see the beauty of it.

#4. The fellowship and love from everyone that I experienced was unlike anything I’ve ever known or thought I could. Unity and the brotherly love we’re called to walk in is one of the greatest joys and gifts we can have.

#5. The beauty of the NightWatch. The NightWatch will always have a special place in my heart and all I’m sayin is…whenever I go back to IHOP, even just to visit, I will be switchin to nights every time

#6. Jesus, the Father, and Holy Spirit are so different from what we think they are, so different than what we grew up hearing and it’s been blowing my mind, just the emotions of God…crazyness.

#7. I really am fearfully and wonderfully made and my soul is still in the process of knowing it full well

#8. Matthew 5, 6, and 7 really has to be my source and my life. For reals.

#9. The word “beloved” is beauuuutiful

#10. I can’t do anything without Him. My goodness is nothing apart from Him and I never want to stray from that reality.

That’s all I got right now. I really do wanna try and keep this updated as much as possible but we’ll see how that goes. I just love sharin what the Lord’s shown me with others so I hope you’ll be blessed in some way, whoever “you” are .

Much love!