I Will Learn to Sing

As some people may have heard, Holy Spirit crazyness is breaking out at IHOP-KC. Let’s just say I didn’t exactly take that news all too well. In short summation, I was offended, flipped out, and felt like I fell back 10 steps right when I thought I was moving forward with all this “getting used to being back here” junk. All the questions came up, all the frustrations, all the, “What am I doing here? I just fold clothes every day, I don’t care about New Jersey, I don’t know what I care about, I just want what I want and I know that’s not cool, so Dude, if you don’t help me out here I don’t know what I’m going to do.” And what blows my mind is just the Lord’s patience with me. I mean I could have basically put myself in Psalm 73:21. “Thus my heart was grieved, and I was vexed in my mind. I was so foolish and ignorant; I was like a beast before You.” But here’s the killer…”Nevertheless I am continually with You; You hold me by my right hand. You will guide me with Your counsel, and afterward receive me to glory.”

Sidenote: If there’s any “secret to encounter with the Lord” if you will, that I could give right now, it would be to just be honest with Him about how you feel. Give Him all that you’re feeling just like you would tell your best friend. But don’t just spill your heart out and leave and think your time is over. You wouldn’t just tell you’re best friend everything that’s going on, hysterically cry and say, “Okay so good talking to ya, till next time!” That’s ridiculous. Instead, wait. Wait and see what happens. Let Him speak back to you. Let Him comfort you. Watch and see what He does when you interact with Him in blatant transparency. Take a look at the Psalms, it’s all over the place there. Being able to be honest with the Lord about where I’m at has been such a gift to me especially in times like these recently. Take what you’re feeling, release it to Him, lean on Your beloved in faith and He will come. He will come. I love being able to just be straight up with the Lord, it unlocks my heart and brings me into such a unique place of intimacy. It makes my relationship feel like a real relationship with Someone.

Back to whatever I was saying. All I know, and have to hope for really is that the Lord is doing something deeper in me through all this. Through my pain, through my frustrations and through choosing to love and worship Him and trust His leadership in the midst of it. I have no idea what’s going on in my heart when I choose to throw myself on Him in this time but it’s gotta be something for my good.

When I was talking to my brother Drew yesterday about all the junk I was feeling he said this one thing that really struck me.

“This is how love is tested. Nobody ever tells you that it looks like that. Fire burns. That’s why it’s called dying to self and why there is mourning because it’s death. But there is resurrection, I promise. The saints we love and admire are the ones who learn to love and worship in the midst of their seasons.”

This is how love is tested. That’s it. My love is being tested. Refined. Put through the fire. Offense is being brough to the surface. The Master Craftsman is doing some intense work, for real. Will I learn to sing in the midst of the wilderness? Will I learn to sing in the midst of the fire? He’s brought me here for one main purpose. To bring me forth in love. I have to constantly bring my mind and the emotions of my heart to recognize His beautiful mercy in His leadership and kindness to have me grow in love and dependency upon Him and Him alone now and not later. Fire burns. This stinkin hurts and isn’t fun to be completely honest. But I will learn to sing. I will learn to sing.

I feel like this is what the Lord would be saying to me right now. Not word for word, didn’t have an intense, “Thus saith the Lord” moment, just an impression from His heart to mine I guess you can say that I’ll just manifest with words with a little help from Laura Hackett if you can pick up on it :

“Will you love Me here Brittany? Will you still say “yes” even though you don’t have what you want right now? Even though you’re not where you’d want to be or with who you’d want to be with? Will you still marry Me? Did you really mean it when you said you would? When you said “turn my little world upside down?” When you said, “I surrender all” or “Come and take Your place in the center of my heart.” When you sang, “Take me through the fire, take me through the rain, take me through the testing, I’ll do anything.” Can’t you see, I’m answering the sincere cry of your heart that I saw. You said that you would marry Me. Did you mean it, because I meant it. Always and forever, I mean it. I meant it when I said I’m forever yours. Be forever Mine. Please lean on Me, please give into Me, I just can’t take it anymore, you gotta be Mine. Be Mine. Please say “yes.” Will you have Me and Me alone? I have to be your supreme source of joy. A location can not. Even those you hold dear to you can not. You can’t base your happiness and contentment on your outward circumstances but rather, an internal & eternal reality. The unseen. My love for you. I said again and again, “abide in Me, abide in Me, you in Me and I in you, united, one, together, always.” Make your home in Me for I have made My home in you. Delight yourself in Me for I have delighted Myself in you. Let Me be your exceedingly great reward for you are Mine. Set Me before you for I have set you before My face forever. Love Me in the midst of pain and suffering for I have loved you and set you as the joy before Me when I suffered more than anyone could ever imagine. Watch what I’ll do in your heart. Just watch what will happen each time you say “yes” when you feel pain. Each time you say, “I love you still” when you’re heart feels like it’s been ripped open. Know that I am undone. Overwhelmed. Ravished. Don’t let that become language. You really have no idea what that means. Find out. Oh, the weight and the glory of what you’re doing when you still chose Me, the eternal weight of glory. Just wait and see, it really is for but a moment. Trust Me. Cling to Me. Have Me. Hold Me. Never let go. I never have.”

I say, “yes.”

Thoughts…

Just some thoughts to share at the end of this cold day in Jersey:

• Skirts. I really like those. I have this sudden urge to want to buy some.
• Laura Hackett’s new single There’s A Gap is beauuuutiful, get on that for sure 8) Her full album comes out November 2nd it’s gonna be good times for sure. Yay looooraaa hackIItt! [insert high british accent much Elizabeth Bennet's mother's ]
• I want to be more sincere with customers I talk to at Old Navy.
• Heard Christopher Raspberry (aka Cory Asbury) was dance-partyin’ it up tonight and I miss those times, they are epic in their freedom 8)
• I had a precious moment with my dad tonight! He umpires for the little ones still (can never get him away from those little league fields) and he was telling me how sometimes when he sees these little 6/7 year old girls, he sees me. He sees me in their batter stance and such. So cute. This was the killer, he said this with a smile and a laugh, “and sometimes when they come up to bat I have to try not to play favoritism.” Presh. Something about that little moment just warmed my heart so much, almost makes me want to cry to be honest. I could totally feel the warmth in my dad’s heart towards me as his little girl and it’s beautiful. And then! He goes on to tell me how he’ll never forget when I was about 9 or 10 years old and won the championship game for my team. I had him re-explain it because to me I never thought it was a big deal, I hit the ball and ran and didn’t really see how awesome of a moment it was. It was so cute to hear my dad explain it and get all excited. That was almost 10 years ago and he still remembers it like it was yesterday, oh the beauty of a father’s heart. It’s like I got to see a deeper part of my dad’s heart towards me that I never really did before. And I also got some pretty sweet Father heart revelations as well which I’ll let you see for yourself
• Moving on…I would kind of like to go one day without hearing about “the swine.” There was no talk of the swine flu out in Missouri and it’s all over the place here. All I’m sayin is…I ain’t gettin no swine.
• Just been thinking a lot lately about king David, but shepherd boy king David. I’m just like, “man, what kind of encounters with the heart of God did David have as a little unseen shepherd boy on those fields?” I’m just so fascinated lately about those hidden years with the Lord that David had. I remember when Vanessa told me that she wanted to call The Pursuit “David’s Field” first and I still absolutely looooooove that name and all the implications of it. It’s the place of gazing upon the beauty of the Lord; the place of encounter with God in the secret place. David’s Field. Beautiful.
• I really like just being able to “be.” The Lord brought that reality to my heart so much through these last 3 months and being at IHOP. It’s so liberating. As we begin to see who He really is and His affections towards us, we begin to love ourselves in the midst of it and I’ve been really enjoying the beautiful woman of “Brittany” that I am and wanting to more My beloved roomate Courtney has this beauutiful song (as all of them are:)) that touches on this too and I love listening to it so much for that. At one point in the song she goes “If we all just were/If we all just were/Maybe we’d stop/Maybe we’d stop/Stop tryin’ so hard” Ah I love it! Yay Courtney! I love how she actually calls us to that place of just “being,” with ourselves and with others. She causes us to stop and realize, “hey if we could all just “be” and accept and truly and sincerely love ourselves, we’d stop trying to be everything we’re not and not meant to be.” Whenever I hear that part it makes me go, “yeah dude that’s just straight up right.” It brings me back to that place of “being” that Jesus so desires us to live in. And the best part is…it’s found in Him Acts 11:28 – “For in Him we live and move and have our being…” Ah! So cool! I just got that right now, yay Holy Spirit ! I looooove that I find that place of being in Him! Good times dude, always 8)

That is all for now. I’ll leave you with some more lyrics from Courtney because I love and miss her so. I was looking through the notes I have in my phone and came across these lyrics that I jotted down when we were listening to Court’s CD from her support-raising concert thinger. I think she said that she asked the Lord for a song about Him or something of the like, you’ll have to correct me Courtney if I’m wrong, and well…He gave her one that was totally a song from His heart and it’s beautiful. I can’t remember any of the other words, these were the only ones I took down, they hit me hardcore when I first heard ‘em, thank You Jesus Yay for songs that erupt from the heart of the Lord into your soul and into the hearts of His people Courtney !

“You keep asking and waiting

If you could only fall in love

But I say, ‘Fall in love with Me.’”